for my dad at 1:30am

In the midst of everything, I think I have forgotten what is most important in life..
Having love, friendship, companionship, trust, protection, respect,
While making sure everything else was running smoothly or was on time and up to date, I left behind the biggest treasure in my life,
I see it now, I guess, I missed it while making sure everything else was going right.
I’m sorry.
Please help me find a way to make it better,
Please help me find a way to heal it,
I love him and I’m sorry.

In the rush of everything, I think I have displaced what is most important in life..
Feeling loved, needed, wanted, happy, protected, respected.
While making sure everything was on track and going in the right direction, I tossed aside the biggest prize I had ever owned.
I see it now, I guess I wasn’t looking enough while making sure everything was okay.
I’m sorry.
Please help me find a way to mend it,
Please help me find a way to nourish it,
I love him and I’m sorry.

In the core of everything, I think I overlooked what is most important in life..
Finding a lover, a friend, a companion, a partner, a protector, an admirer.
While making sure everything was ticking forward like I wanted, I discarded the most precious thing that I was allowed to have.
I see it now, I guess I overlooked it while making sure everything was exactly where it should be.
I’m sorry.
Please help me find a way to fix it,
Please help me find a way to repair it,
I love him and I’m sorry.

In the middle of everything, I think I stopped noticing what is most important..
Knowing that someone will ALWAYS be there for you, to help, love, care, support, trust, protect, respect you.
While making sure all was steady and stable, I DID see the pain, I STILL see it now, I guess I always saw it but I payed little attention to it.
I’m sorry.
For my selfish ways, I promise to make amends,
I Promise to see what is right in front of me more, I promise to keep things close to me
But to never forget what is most important, I guess in the middle of everything, I stopped noticing.
I will try to fix all of you daddy..
I love you and I’m sorry.
Your daughter Ana.

life.

A picture, it paints a thousand words, words I’m too scared to utter to you, words I’m too scared to feel about you.
A picture, an image you create in your head, an image you have of someone and their ways, a picture, shattered, laying on the floor, full of disappointments, flickers of a previous vision, one you held close, one you held dear,
Trust,
Trust in the journey.

A man, such a simple being and yet so hard to understand, so hard to forgive, and so hard to forget,
A man, one who came into my world in the most beautiful way, a way with words, with actions and with feelings,
A man, full of hope and love, full of danger and secrets, all twisted together into a being,
Trust,
Trust in the journey.

A life, one where you dare to dream, dare to give and dare to open, bare your heart and hope for good,
A life, so alone and yet so full of love, held together like stitches on clothes, pulled apart like an old fraying rope,
A life, one where I wanted you, to tell me everything, hold you close, whisper my secrets to you and share my memories,
Trust,
Trust in the journey.

Trust, that’s a funny old word, built upon respect, developed on knowledge and grown on belief,
Trust, so easily broken, so easily taken away, hard to build, hard to
develop and grow but easy to erase, abandon  and dismiss.
Trust, held together by the very fibres that make us whole, torn apart by words, simply littered on a cold December night,
Trust,
Trust in the journey of LIFE!

a love for all seasons.

The frost covered the floor, the air was bitter cold and yet I was warm and alight inside because of you, because you saw something in me that no one else had seen before, I look back now and see that it wasn’t right but at the time, it was everything I wanted, it was a dream and I couldn’t believe it was coming true.
It was perfect, a love for all seasons.

Winter was in full bloom but it was a warm and beautiful season for us, the ice outside, the rain and the fog, nothing could break us. We were beautifully sewn together, you showed me a part of your world, you let me in and I never wanted to leave. I felt so protected, I felt like I was the biggest treasure in your life. You saved me, you respected me and I saved you right back. The contentment of us was so easy, it flowed and we carried it with us, we got swept up in everything about each other, there was no wrongs or injustice there was only joy, love and bliss. I wanted to know everything about you, what made you sad, happy angry and passionate, you in turn wanted to discover me in more ways than you already knew, I will always remember ‘SUGAR’, you wanted to dedicate so much to me.
It was perfect, a love for all seasons.

Spring arrived so quickly we never even got a chance to process it all, we were so deep in feelings, maybe it was already too late for us, but we still had a fire burning inside of us. We still wanted more. Suddenly I was a bigger part of your life and you of mine, we were closer and when you gave me that key, I knew that it was a huge step for me. I believed everything about us, we were so fair and I was completely bewitched with everything about you. You would look deep into my eyes and tell
me that I was everything you ever wanted, you would question how you finally found something so perfect? I didn’t want to lose the emotions and feelings so I held on tighter, maybe too tight. I will always remember our first fights in March, you were right, you couldn’t win.. but neither could I with you, not really.
It was perfect, a love for all seasons.

With summer comes the heat of the sun, and the rise of the temperatures but for us our flame was sizzling out. Did we rush something that could have been perfect? Was it all too much too soon? Was I a problem? Was the love we once shared not strong enough to conquer everything? As the summer months went by, I felt it more and more. I was losing you. You didn’t want to dedicate anything to me anymore, you were uninspired to be with me and slowly you started to leave my life. It was a silent absence and I missed the winter you. I will always remember Italy and Portugal. I loved you.
It was perfect, a love for all seasons.

Autumn hit me hard, you were there physically but you were gone emotionally and mentally. I had lost you, you said I had drained you of life. I should of walked away and never looked back, I should of held my head high and said nothing more to you. Instead I asked for more chances, I begged, I pleaded and I grovelled. You were gone, just like that, the love you once had for me was gone, it no longer existed and you didn’t want to get it back. I will never forget the 7th November 2015, you were so hurtful, so cold and the love I once had for you started to finally shatter as I saw the real you unfold, as I saw the you that you had become. I no longer wanted this love for all seasons.
It was perfect, a different time ago, a love that DIDNT last all seasons.

These memories made will forever stay with me, I will carry them in my heart, as I carry you, all of you, your good and your bad. I will never forget you.

I loved you eternally with every being of me, with everything I had.. this I promise you.

I always said I would write about you one day.. I finally fulfilled that promise.

i am me.

I am a candle you burn,
I've been lit and blown out,
I've been exposed and hidden,
been used and ignored,
yet I'm still standing, through it all,
I still have the light,
I don't expect you to understand,
I don't expect you to care,
I have even given up hope that you wonder anymore,
I just needed to say it, I needed to hear it,
I'm still standing, through it all,
I still have the light.

I am the water that you see daily,
been left to run,
been closed up and been wasted,
yet, here I am, still strong and still helping,
bet you didn't think I would make it,
bet you thought I'd give up, maybe run,
I just needed to say it, I needed to hear it,
here I am, still strong and still helping.

I am a piece of crumpled up paper you tried to dispose off,
I've been scrunched and ripped,
I've been thrown away and left on the side,
yet here I remain, with all the rips and tears you gave me,
here I remain,
I don't want to know why, I don't want to be fixed,
I just needed to say it, I needed to hear it,
here I remain, with all the rips and tears you gave me,
here i remain.

I am the girl who fakes the best smile,
I've done it for years,
Ive mastered it to perfection,
yet inside I am broken,
I wont show it, but I am broken,
I don't want to know, I don't want to tell anyone,
I just needed to say it, I just needed to hear it,
inside I am broken,
I wont show it, but I am broken.

I am a newborn baby girl,
I miss you,
I cry for you,
I long for you,
yet I live everyday without you, hurting, but living,
I NEED you to know it, I NEED you to see it, I NEED you to understand it,
I just needed to say it, I just needed to hear it,
I live everyday without you, hurting but living.

I am Ana,
I am broken,
I am strong,
I am scared,
I am alone,
I am fearless,
I am brave,
I am no one special, I am who was left, I am abandoned, I am me,
I can do this,
I have been doing this,
I must do this,
I just needed to say it, I just needed to hear it,
I am no one special, I am who was left I am abandoned, I am me.

hearts are easy to draw and hard to heal.

I wonder what its like where you are,
I wonder if you think of us at all,
I wonder if you ever regret your decision,
do you want me to forgive you? or forget you?
do you know how hard it is for me to trust anyone now because of you?
question is, do you care?
I don't want answers, I don't want excuses or explanations,
of course I have questions, but I don't want to hear the response to them,
did you ever think "time will heal their hearts",
because i have news for you, it didn't heal mine,
not now, not ever.
I wonder what people say about you,
I wonder what path your life has taken anew,
I wonder what it's like without us,
do you miss us?
do you know how you affected us?
question is, do we care for you anymore?
I have news for you,
I have something to tell you,
I have lots of exciting things to share with you,
but i don't trust myself to tell you any,
I guess all i want to say is "I miss you".

love, amor, liebe, amore, je t'aime.

Sometimes I hate you,
other times I cant get enough of you,
you twist my heart and confuse my mind,
I've never been happier to know you and sadder to not be able to have you,
you're different, you're just the same, you're special, you're you,
how can I make this pain go away but this smile to remain?,
how does the ache go and the memory stay?,
I feel useless, it's deeper than you know, it's deep in my soul,
I wish you could see my smile, like I've seen you,
I wish it was possible and I sit here and wait knowing it will never happen,
I'm tired of looking at you,
I'll shut you out of my life,
I will make it look like you don't exist,
I tried, it didn't work, I missed you,
you came back and again I wait and wish for the impossible.

that boy.

There was once a boy,
who had a face as pure as the colour white,
who had a name as special as a newborn baby,
and who had a laugh which was as addictive as oxygen.
This boy did something to my heart,
he touched it without being here,
he spoke to it without being near and he stole it without never knowing,
I didn't mind, that a part of me was missing,
cause I knew it was safe with him.
I thanked him for teaching me about life and love,
I thanked him and sometimes I looked above,
I'd see the sky, the clouds, the stars, the sun and the moon and soon,
I knew he was watching,
he was always watching.
This boy was special, though we hadn't met.
This boy was special, though we hadn't yet spoke.
This boy was quick, as quick as a bullet,
one minute he was here and the next he was gone,
time went by slow, the world was slow moving,
everything I had ever known was being tested,
I knew what I felt and I liked it,
This boy said no more, people still spoke, they wanted answers,
in vain they tried but still nothing was spoke.
This pure, special, addictive boy was a love that started fast and finished faster.
It lasted years without us both knowing,
but finished quick and left me yearning for the love,
the love I had once known,
the love I had once found in that boy.